Rudolph With Your Nose So Bright

Where’s Rudolph when you need him? I sure could have used him this morning as the commute was damp and foggy. Thankfully, it’s not nearly as cold as it’s been. Had it been, I could have probably just skated in across the river.

Some freezing rain did fall yesterday. They were showing some footage on the news last night of cars careening out of control on an exit ramp. Scary stuff. Luckily – or hopefully – we can get through the holiday and this weekend without any more of that!

The plans seem to change moment to moment. When I got home last night, I was all ready to tackle the bathroom. Instead, the mother was knee-deep in my room (I couldn’t even get in the door) tackling all her doll crap. So I was instead on animal detail (which is a part-time job in itself between the three of them) and continued cleaning glass and furniture in the livingroom and dining room.

Caught a really enjoyable movie last night on the Hallmark Channel called The Christmas Choir. The thing I liked most about it is that it is a true story. The main character, a workaholic finance guy, undergoes quite a personal transformation during which he manages to make a world of difference in the lives of a bunch of homeless guys. Rhea Perlman (Carla from “Cheers”) plays a sassy nun who had one of the best lines in the movie early on when she asks the guy what the meaning of life is. Her answer got my attention.

I’m sure it will be on again during the next few days, so if you have cable and have a few minutes, it’s worth the time.

Well, I have hours to log today so it’s off to do some work. Fa la la la la man.

Caulking, Cleaning, and Chaos

I think that just about covers this evening’s agenda.

Caulking will be around the bathtub, something that’s long overdue. Before it’s caulked though it will have to be cleaned – steam-cleaned. That will give me a chance to try out the new steamer that, while it ‘s been hanging around for a while, was only recently unboxed.

After cleaning the shower, and before doing the caulking, I’ll be going back to cleaning my room. The mother still has to tackle all of those dolls in there, otherwise it’s mostly some furniture dusting and floor-cleaning. Then we’ll see what else still needs doing before I tackled the bathtub.

I’m not even sure when we’re celebrating Christmas with our family. Whether it will be tomorrow night – or if it will be on Thursday. This would be good to know, since I have some cooking to do before then!

I guess it will all work out. Somehow, it always does.

Merry, Merry Madness

Once, several years ago, the mother sent me to a local mall on Christmas Eve for a last-minute gift. It took me three times as long to get in the mall lot, find a parking space, and then get off the mall parking lot as it did to dash in and get the solo gift, I vowed never to do it again.

I’ve kept my word. In fact, in the week or so before the holiday, I still don’t go near a mall. I try to not go in any stores at all during those final, frazzled days. So it was with much dismay that I realized a shopping trip was inevitable. Not at the mall, thank God, but worse still, the grocery store and Wal-Mart. The mother has been eating and drinking cleaning supplies, so I had to get more as we start to approach the home stretch. The groceries? I needed to get ingredients for the mock soufflé for Christmas with the family – away, that my pure genius forgot about Thursday night. And, I got some more things for post-Christmas with family friends – home, the visit that has touched off this mad bout of cleaning.

I also had to pick up more Christmas cards at Walgreens which I’d ordered online. I thought I’d have enough, but apparently Ozzie is a more popular dude on YorkieTalk.com than I gave him credit for. (He continues to get all kinds of cards from all over the country – even the world – daily. Three more came yesterday.) I’ll apologize now for the tardiness of this last batch which includes some of my local, real-life pals. I figured those would only need a day or so at most to arrive so I saved some of those for last.

Wal-Mart was the insane asylum one would expect it to be with less than two days left for shopping. I was glad to escape it. The soundtrack of screaming children put my teeth on edge. I stopped off at Walgreens to get my cards but they weren’t ready yet. The machine had broken down so I was about sixth in the queue. Great.

I went grocery shopping. Almost as maddening as Wal-Mart, but not quite. The most frustrating thing? Some of the key things I went for couldn’t be found. So, off to the grocery at the other end of the street. Things were only a little better there, but at least it wasn’t as busy.

I grabbed some fast food (pot pies at KFC) and back to Walgreens. Success! The cards were done. It was buzzing in there, too, so I was glad to make a relatively quick exit. Once in the car, I opened the box. Thank God I did. This wasn’t the design I had used before. And wait. Who ARE these people? My card doesn’t even have people. It’s a pic of Ozzie and Toby. Sh*t!

I looked at the box. Wasn’t even MY name on the box. I dashed back inside where the girl in photo apologized profusely. She’d just grabbed the wrong box. (They only had about 30 of them on the counter. Clearly, I wasn’t the only last-minute card purchaser. And, of course, they now have 10-cent prints going on. You know I’ll be all over that this week.)

The moral of this little adventure is this: It’s NOT a pretty sight out there. Get what you have to get – and only what you have to get – NOW. I suspect it’s going to get a whole lot crazier really fast.

Can’t Put A Bow on This

I tell all of the coordinators and social workers that we work with on our annual charity program that we don’t do the program for the feedback, for the heartwarming stories. And that’s true – to a point. I really don’t want to exploit the needy. That’s not what it’s all about.

As human beings though we can’t help ourselves: We want to be the fly on that wall. What happened to that carload of gifts and other items that went to that family/those senior citizens? We know we wonder. Did we really brighten someone else's holiday?

And sometimes we find out.

Sometimes, it’s an email. Sometimes, it’s a phone call. Sometimes – but less often – it’s a card or note from the recipient themselves. This is what I've learned today via phone and email:

• A single dad and his two kids reluctantly put up a Christmas tree last week. They weren’t going to because dad didn’t want to create the expectation “that there would be anything to go under it.” They got a pleasant surprise on Friday when there was more to go under it than would fit.
• Today, an elderly gentleman got emotional when several boxes and other items arrived with his noon meal. “I would give 10,000 kisses to them and I need to say many prayers for them in thanks,” he said of his benefactors. On Christmas Day, the ones that will truly be alone for the holiday will get a similar delivery with their meal.
• Over the weekend, a social worker gave this account of her visit with a terminally ill grandmother and some of the grandchildren she is raising. “When I walked in with the first box of gifts, Grandma was overwhelmed and so appreciative and grateful for the one box. When I told her that there were many more to come she burst into tears. As I started bringing in all the boxes and bags of gifts, Grandma was unloading them under the tree and hanging up the stockings around the living room just in awe. A boy (7yrs.) was sitting in front of the tree staring at all the presents and I looked over at him and he had tears in his eyes as well. He looked at me and said that he must have been a really good boy this year to get all of these gifts and also said that he was not expecting there to be anything under the tree but now he really believes there is a Santa.”
  
  Yeah, we don’t always find out what happens with the families or seniors who come into our lives each holiday season. But it’s awfully nice when we do.

It Must Be Monday

Clearly, bus-riding on Mondays and winter weather don’t mix. This morning, my bus didn’t come.

Well of course it didn’t. Why would it? It’s Monday and it happens to be the coldest day of the year – a whopping 4 degrees with a wind chill factor of -12. Again, Mother Nature being all beoch-y on a Monday. This is starting to become a very annoying habit of hers.

Luckily, I drove to the bus station today because I have to pick up some things tonight. I figured that would save me some time tonight and some time in the cold this morning. How right I was!
The good news is that it’s supposed to warm up after today. THANK GOD!

I know I shouldn’t complain. It’s much colder in other parts of the country and some of you have snow to contend with on top of it. (That would be the last straw for me at this point. I would cry.) Then there’s the tens of thousands in the northeast who STILL don’t have power. I sure hope they can get them back online soon. It is just so miserably cold!

The house is slowly coming along. It’s hell when you’re trying to contend with tools and materials and you’re backlogged on just your general everyday stuff. I keep reminding the mother that we were waist-high in projects right up through early November. How could we be expected to remain caught up with day-to-day AND have the house immaculate? In short, the answer is we can’t. But the mother, who is a female Felix Unger when it comes to clean and neat, thinks we should be.

Me? I’m taking my everyday approach to holiday guests that I would at any other time of year. If they want to get technical about a job I did or something they think needs done, you know what? They can go home!

The Frozen Tundra

The mother has ventured out into the frozen tundra. There are some things she wanted to pick up and it wasn’t stuff I could just grab, so, out she went. Not me, man. It’s too d*mn cold!

I went out to feed the birds and set a bag of trash out earlier and just about died. Any more than a minute or two out there is brutal. Poor little creatures. I feel so bad for them when it’s like this.

We’re back into the single digits after hitting a high of 16 at some point today. And the wind chill factor? It hasn’t moved above zero ALL DAY. Sounds like tomorrow is going to be just a bit warmer, but not much. And tonight is supposed to be even colder than last night. UGH! The wind is still gusting occasionally, but is slowly backing away from its constant ferocity of earlier in the day.

Meanwhile, there’s been a buzz of activity inside. We’re still cleaning. Today, I took the refrigerator apart. What fun! I also scoured the oven. (The mother is also doing some organizing and some clothes switching so that has greatly impeded progress.) And, I had to wage war with the old toilet seat to change it for the new one. You’d think it’s a quick 5- or 10-minute job, but NO. Nothing here is quick or easy. OK, almost nothing. I caught a break with the new brass door knobs that I bought for the bathroom door and installed. Didn’t even have to drill new holes or in case, even remove the old screw. Gotta love that!

In a little bit, I’m going to start carrying the trash out. It’s going to be so freakin’ cold both tonight and tomorrow, but I just don’t want to deal with the cold tomorrow any more than I have to.

So, you can just call me Na-nic of the North ‘til it warms up again – which mercifully, it’s supposed to do later in the week.

Have I mentioned how much I HATE winter?

Gone With the Wind

I’m awake only because there have been several times in the past hour that I’ve been certain that This D*mn House was coming apart at the seams. Sitting and watching The Weather Channel just did a good job of explaining why.

It’s a whopping 7 degrees. The wind is 28 mph with gusts at 42 mph. The wind chill? -12. OUCH! The projected high for today? All of 18. It could be worse. They just said the high for Chicago today would be FIVE!

On Friday afternoon, the cover to our fire pit blew away. Now, I’m afraid the fire pit itself might do the same, even though it’s weighted down with bricks. I keep peering out the windows to make sure that something we own doesn’t go scuttling down the street.

Between the wind rattling windows and beating wires against the house, and an occasional outburst from Toby the Cat, it’s been a very long night.

Keep your fingers crossed that it doesn’t tear any lines down or that we don’t lose anything else.

The Year of the Ho

No, no. Not that Don Imus incident type. It's ho as in "Ho! Ho! Ho!" That's the chosen them for this year's Christmas wrappings.


Whether she starts off with it consciously or not, each year the mother has something of a theme to Christmas packaging. This year, it has ended up the Ho x 3 theme as I've been calling it. Take a look.

So many Hos in a row! It cracks me up.

C-L-E-A-N

This should be a four-letter word, shouldn't it? And noone would believe that a small house would be this much trouble.

But then there aren't that many small houses that have all the knick knacks lying about like this one.

I had to laugh. The mother spent hours cleaning all the copper in the kitchen. I always used to tell her as she would buy various pieces:"Just one more thing that you'll have to clean." And she would nod. Now she cleans it and says, "I need to get rid of some of this stuff." But doesn't.

And the shelves in the kitchen are double-loaded with glass and other goodies. It's nice stuff, some of it quite pretty, but it's a pain in the butt. Especially when it comes time to clean it all.

And that's what we're in the thick of now. Cleaning, cleaning, cleaning. And I hate it. I wasn't cut out for this. Remember how my only domestic quality is that I live indoors? Well, it applies 10x over here!

Wish me luck.

The Door Debacle

OK. I'm exhausted. I'm sore. I'm ready to relax a bit before tearing into the house. What does this mean? Must be time for the mother to torture me in some way.

Weather-stripping. Why not?

I bought it weeks ago, never got around to it, and after peeling the bow from the wreath on the door for the jillionth time, she's now ready for it to go up. So I began doing just that.

"No, no," says the mother. "Lawrence said to put it here." Here being the inside rim where the door lays against the woodwork. That can't be right. The door won't close if I do that.

But the mother was insistent that this is where Lawrence said to put it. So I did what she said. And the door wouldn't close. Big surprise.

And I spent the next two hours tearing it back out and scraping all its little remnants off and then putting white tape over the now damaged and still very sticky surface to keep the door from sticking to it.

Tomorrow I will tackle doing it the way it should have been done to start with. Right now, I'm still tired and sore. I'm spent from the sheer frustration.

Perhaps I'll call it a very early night.

Playing Santa

They weren't going to put up a Christmas tree.

After recently losing their home in a fire and what little belongings they had to start with, the man and his two teenaged children were going to "skip" Christmas.

That's what the social worker told me today. "Bill" didn't want a tree because "he didn't want to create the expectation that there would be anything under it." Bill, a member of the working poor, can't provide enough to properly care for his disabled 19-year-old son and his 15-year-old daughter. And he was exasperated.

I'm happy to report that the social worker convinced him to put up a tree. And, in as much as I could jam into Ladybird this afternoon, there are presents to go under it. LOTS of them. And there is food. There are gift cards, cleaning supplies, cooking and kitchen supplies. In fact, between this family, and the family that my floor adopted, I couldn't fit all of it in the car! Ideally, many of the things this family finds under their tree will not just be helpful at Christmas but for some time to come.

Unfortunately, none of the good will and the warm fuzzies are doing much to soothe my aching back or throbbing feet. Oh, it was plenty worth it. I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Playing Santa is exhausting ... but damn is it good for the soul.

Dear Santa

Dear Santa – I’ve been really good this year. Ask anyone. Seriously. I’ve barely wandered away from This D*mn House at all, except to go to work – so I can buy more stuff to work on This D*mn House.

Space is tight, so I’m not asking for too many things. I wouldn’t have any place to put them, even if you did bring them. So, like me, the list will be pretty short.

• My family has been really good the past year or two at feeding my scrapbooking addiction. If you could keep steering them that direction, it would be great. Or maybe a gift card to get some books or music. I would like that.
• I would also like to win the Powerball jackpot, preferably on a day when it’s in the tens of millions. (Like this Saturday for instance. That would be a great way to start off 2009!) If that’s not possible, if you could put a good word in for me at work so I can continue to keep my job even in this down economy, that would be good. And since I won’t have millions to lavish on my family and friends, if you could at least do the same for them, I’d be happy.
• Give the mother some extra added happiness and joy. She certainly deserves it. Believe me, this is a huge gift to me. There are few things I can think of that make me happier than to see her happy or genuinely enjoying something.
• I’m not sure I believe that world peace is possible – but some peace certainly is. We live in very troubled times, so any little portions of peace – or even peace of mind – you could scatter around the globe I’m grateful for.
• Here’s a twist: Instead of leaving something, could you please take away some of the pain and suffering? There is so much of it everywhere in both people and animals. I know we bring some of it on ourselves, but I’m tired of the innocent and defenseless getting the crap kicked out of them all the time.
• And finally, if there’s any way at all you can manage it, I’d love to wake up to find Carter Oosterhouse under the tree. OK -- under the tree is asking for a lot. More like leave him sitting at the dining room table. That would be just fine! Mind you, nothing else would get any attention at This D*mn House, but I’m OK with that.

So Santa, I hope you can help me out here. My requests don't need too much room in your sleigh.

An Appeal to the Weather Gods

I need a big favor. I need for there to NOT be ice tomorrow. Here’s why:

I’m supposed to be going in early and taking off early tomorrow so that I can make a round of deliveries for our charity program. One of our local TV stations has an alert on their Web site saying that a freezing rain advisory goes from midnight through 6 p.m. tomorrow. Weather.com however says that it is in effect from 12 p.m. to 6 p.m. Thursday.

Here’s hoping that they’re both wrong. There’s a carload of stuff that needs to get to its final destination.

I wish I'd had my camera today. One of the floors brought me all of their stuff in a human caravan, a parade of 10-12 people all piled high or weighted down with presents! (Usually, one or two people from each floor get a cart. This way though was much more amusing!)

So, if you could appeal to the weather gods or Mother Nature or whomever you think runs that part of the show, I’d genuinely appreciate it. Doing good shouldn't be a hassle, should it?

All That Glitters

Thanks to the mother, the front door is sporting yet another new look. In spite of myself, I like it! Can you tell the difference? Here's the door before.


Notice how the leading kind of disappears into the background? That has always bugged the mother.

So she decided to do something about it. She bought this little bottle of gold leaf stuff at Michael's the other day. I had no idea what her plans were for it at the time. That's the thing about the mother, you can never be completely sure just what she'll get up to next!


No foiling, which was something I had always thought was an essential part of the leafing process, so I was quite surprised. You just brush this stuff on like regular paint.

She says it goes on easy. And I was impressed with how quickly it dried. What do you think of the end result?
At first, I wasn't real sure about it. (That's often the case. I'm weird like that.) But the minute she put this gold wreath on the door, the color seemed to leap out. I was instantly sold.

She's pleased with the final product-- and anxious to do the other side. That's going to have to wait, however, until the temp goes up a bit.

Last of the Holiday Display

I just realized that I never posted the last windows of the Yes, Virginia series! My bad.

Down to the Wire

If you’re still looking for Christmas gifts, I’ve got a couple of last-minute suggestions.

Since you’re running out of time, you might take Todd’s advice over at Helpful Advice for Home Construction Improvement and consider an Amazon.com gift certificate. You can even send one of these electronically. No gift wrap or post office line! And you’re giving a really versatile gift that any DIYer, or anyone for that matter, is sure to love.

Here’s another idea. Our friends over at One Project closer are giving away TWO $100 Home Depot cards – but you have to hurry. The contest ends TOMORROW, so if you win you have an instant gift – or plenty of time to shop for one before the big day. And with that kind of cold cash, you might even have enough to buy something for yourself, too. Here’s the rules. Blog about it and get 75 chances! (That’s what I’m doing.)

As for me, I’m still holding out for some beadboard. That’s where at least a good chunk of my gift card would go, if I were to win one. I’ve got it already for the mother’s bedroom but not for mine and redoing those two rooms are at the top of the list for next year.

So give it a try. What have you got to lose?!

Festivedence

I keep sayin’ that things are looking more festive and people are callin’ me on it. Where’s the photos?

Well, in all the chaos, I decided what the hell and did indeed drag out my camera. You can follow the festive as it begins to appear. Just remember, you asked for it.

Why look?! There’s a tree. (Yes, this is supposed to be one of the outside trees but it appears instead to be replacing our sad little Charlie Brown fiber-optic tree.)

The poor thing. The mother has jammed so much Victoriana onto it that it is leaning slightly to the left.

Meanwhile, things are gathering at the fireplace, too. Some nice lighted garland and two candle lights (covered by hurricane shades) brighten things up. Plus, there's Santa, a sleigh and a reindeer to get things going, along with a pair of bright brass trees.

But the real beauty here you can’t even see. It’s a lovely little cord that accommodates both the garland and the candle lights and is wired to a button that controls all three.

Push on. Push off. No unplugging everything in the universe or vice versa.

LOVE it! Just $5 at Wal-Mart.

Deja Vu -- Sort Of

I’m learning to really hate Mondays – not that they were ever my favorite day to start with. And I was a much happier person at 5:30 when I still didn’t know that the wind chill was -2. As in BELOW FREAKIN’ ZERO. I was so not cut out for cold weather.

Remember last week when I slid out with a bag of trash in each hand, skidding madly down the driveway, out of control, reminiscent of the Grinch’s wild downhill sleigh ride? That didn’t happen this week, fortunately. Not that it wasn’t slick, because it was. But at the end of whatever fell last night there was just enough of a coating of snow to give the ice-covered roadways and walkways a bit of traction. So, I looked more like an uncoordinated Dorothy Hamill, using the slick surface to my advantage, gliding in my sneakers, dragging a bag of trash in each hand along the driveway.

Cheaper trash bags wouldn’t have persevered but luckily, my Hefty, Hefty, Cinchsaks were up to the challenge. (Did I really just type that? Apparently so.)

Of course the dumbass bus driver (this HAS to be the same clown who went down the closed road TWO weeks ago and left me in the snow) tried to pass me up. Yes, here I am, covered almost as completely as any Muslim woman ever dare be, and the stupid SOB starts to DRIVE RIGHT PAST ME. I see that he is not braking, so there I am, trying to leap up and down without sliding onto my butt. He DID stop – in the next block – so I had to carefully skid down the sidewalk to get to him. The penguin march all over again.

“Didn’t know you wanted the bus,” he says as I slide onto the first step.

Really? Oh, I see, you completely missed the fact that I’m standing on a corner, bundled like a buffalo, and clutching a bus pass. And then, as you drove past me, you surely missed that Hopi rain dance I was performing to get your attention. Moron.

It's Very Sparkly

Looking around the house tonight, I'm reminded of one of my favorite lines in the movie Rainman. It's where Dustin Hoffman describes his potential "date" as being "very sparkly."

This is why it's important to drag out all the decorations first and get them as close to their final destinations as possible before you clean the house. There is glitter, sequins, and all manners of sparkly stuff everywhere. It's on the furniture. It's glazing the floors. It's on our clothes. It's on us.

But, we have a tree up. There are lights on the mantel. And the mother has gone all over putting a touch of holiday flowers and glitz here and there. It's starting to look quite festive.

Outside, both doors now have wreaths. In front, the bare spots between the pots have bricks in place, pots on top, each with one of the sorry ass Martha Stewart trees in it. And you know what? I think I may have to find something else to call them. They actually don't look quite so sorry ass now that they're in place -- even unlit.

Of course, we're getting freezing rain, so the mother insisted that I cover them. Yeah. Don't go there. So I put a small drawstring trash bag over each one until the weather system passes. Ideally, we'll get to finish the rest later this week.

In the meantime, it's clean, clean, clean. I, however, have to go to work tomorrow. Fun times.

Here, There, and Everywhere

When you live in a small house, storage is usually an issue. And when you have as much crap as the mother and I do, it can be a case of critical mass.

That's definitely the situation here with yesterday a day of trying to pull various decorations out of their respective places. You don't always remember where those places are. As old decos get bypassed for new ones, you have to get creative on where to keep some of them. So, a good chunk of yesterday was devoted to pulling things out. It was kind of like a mini-Christmas because we found some stuff packed that even we'd forgotten about!

Yesterday was a day to shift things, repair stuff, and do an initial round of decorating.

As a result, It's starting to look a little festive around here. Except for outside. I'm not sure when we're supposed to do that. The wind is roaring at 20-30 mph and has been since yesterday. While it's been 50-ish temp wise, it keeps sprinkling. Between the wet and the wind, the temp doesn't feel all that warm. So, we still don't have anything outside except for the wreath on the front door. (I managed to assemble and conceal two battery pack light sets on it, but I'm not holding out much hope it will work very well in the long-term.)

So, now I'm getting ready to dig out the rest of our holiday stuff. That means taking my life into my hands to unload the laundry room storage closet. It is the one significant piece of inside storage space that we have, outside the new closet in the family room. As you might imagine then, it's jammed full.

If you don't hear from me in the next 24, send a search party ...