I’m learning to really hate Mondays – not that they were ever my favorite day to start with. And I was a much happier person at 5:30 when I still didn’t know that the wind chill was -2. As in BELOW FREAKIN’ ZERO. I was so not cut out for cold weather.
Remember last week when I slid out with a bag of trash in each hand, skidding madly down the driveway, out of control, reminiscent of the Grinch’s wild downhill sleigh ride? That didn’t happen this week, fortunately. Not that it wasn’t slick, because it was. But at the end of whatever fell last night there was just enough of a coating of snow to give the ice-covered roadways and walkways a bit of traction. So, I looked more like an uncoordinated Dorothy Hamill, using the slick surface to my advantage, gliding in my sneakers, dragging a bag of trash in each hand along the driveway.
Cheaper trash bags wouldn’t have persevered but luckily, my Hefty, Hefty, Cinchsaks were up to the challenge. (Did I really just type that? Apparently so.)
Of course the dumbass bus driver (this HAS to be the same clown who went down the closed road TWO weeks ago and left me in the snow) tried to pass me up. Yes, here I am, covered almost as completely as any Muslim woman ever dare be, and the stupid SOB starts to DRIVE RIGHT PAST ME. I see that he is not braking, so there I am, trying to leap up and down without sliding onto my butt. He DID stop – in the next block – so I had to carefully skid down the sidewalk to get to him. The penguin march all over again.
“Didn’t know you wanted the bus,” he says as I slide onto the first step.
Really? Oh, I see, you completely missed the fact that I’m standing on a corner, bundled like a buffalo, and clutching a bus pass. And then, as you drove past me, you surely missed that Hopi rain dance I was performing to get your attention. Moron.